I’m really bad at saying “No”. I’m getting much better at it of late,
but it still causes me a fair bit of anxiety when I’m faced with having to
disappoint someone. I used to get so anxious about it that I would often just
say yes to doing stuff that I reeeeally didn’t want to do, just to avoid the
anxiety.
I’m sure I’m not alone here. I’m sure many of you - especially women -
have, at some point, said yes to doing something you didn’t want to do, just to
avoid hurting a persons feelings. (Apparently we women carry around a lot more
guilt than men do).
These feelings of guilt become especially hard to navigate when working in
the independent film industry. Like many creative industries, it's an
environment where you're constantly working with different teams of people,
dealing with big personalities and egos, and you often get asked to do your
work for free.
Finding the right creative collaborators is hard! Maybe even harder than
finding a life partner or romantic “soul mate”. So.... When should you say yes, dive in and give someone a chance? When should you say a polite "thanks but no thanks"? And when should you run full speed in the opposite direction?
FULL DISCLOSURE: Of course, as usual, I don’t have all the answers… But
these are some general points I try to keep in mind when deciding whether or
not to enter into a creative collaboration.
Don’t assume that a great friendship will mean a great creative
collaboration. There are some people that I absolutely LOVE hanging out with as friends,
but when I’ve tried to work with them creatively, things haven’t gone so
smoothly. If you attempt to work creatively with a good buddy and things start
getting bitchy, try to identify that maybe this wasn’t such a great idea, and
go back to being good friends before it’s too late. In my opinion, no project
is worth losing a wonderful friend over.
Don’t let people abuse your generosity! Do you have that friend
or colleague who constantly asks for your time or expertise but when you ask
them to return the favor they come up with a lame excuse? If you answered “yes”
then it’s time to draw the line with this person. They need to go on your “SHIT
LIST” (see my next point). Likewise, don’t abuse other people’s
generosity! If someone does you a creative favor - like working for free
on your project - return the favor at some point, sooner rather than later. I
also think it’s nice to follow up with a personal thank you note, either an
email or card. Some people may find this cheesy but I think it’s always nice to
know you are appreciated
Make a “SHIT LIST”. This is a list of people that you must, under
no circumstances, ever allow yourself to be sucked into working with
again. Whether it be because of a bad attitude, a bad temper, abusing
your generosity, flakiness or just generally making terrible work –
Put them on your list and then hopefully alarm bells will start ringing next
time they want something from you and you’ll run - or you’ll make up an excuse
as to why you can’t get involved.
If you’re working for free or cheap, only jump on board a project if you
truly believe in the work. This seems obvious, but I make this mistake a
lot. It’s easy to get blinded by someone else's enthusiasm. Some people are
very good at selling themselves. The problem is that when I commit to these
projects and I don’t actually believe in them, I ALWAYS end up resenting them,
and sometimes talking shit about them after the fact – which is just bad karma,
and not very nice. ***SIDE NOTE*** The only times this rule
shouldn’t apply is if you're just starting out in your career and
really need experience OR if you are returning a favor. If someone has been
nice enough to help you out in the past, you shouldn’t worry about whether or
not you think they're talented. Just show up and return the favor.
When you find “your people” nurture those relationships!!! If you are lucky
enough to find your creative soul mates, treat them well and don’t take them
for granted. These people are SO hard to come by.
