Know When To Walk Away. Know When To Run.

I’m really bad at saying “No”.  I’m getting much better at it of late, but it still causes me a fair bit of anxiety when I’m faced with having to disappoint someone. I used to get so anxious about it that I would often just say yes to doing stuff that I reeeeally didn’t want to do, just to avoid the anxiety.

I’m sure I’m not alone here. I’m sure many of you - especially women - have, at some point, said yes to doing something you didn’t want to do, just to avoid hurting a persons feelings. (Apparently we women carry around a lot more guilt than men do).

These feelings of guilt become especially hard to navigate when working in the independent film industry. Like many creative industries, it's an environment where you're constantly working with different teams of people, dealing with big personalities and egos, and you often get asked to do your work for free.

Finding the right creative collaborators is hard! Maybe even harder than finding a life partner or romantic “soul mate”. So.... When should you say yes, dive in and give someone a chance?  When should you say a polite "thanks but no thanks"? And when should you run full speed in the opposite direction?

FULL DISCLOSURE: Of course, as usual, I don’t have all the answers… But these are some general points I try to keep in mind when deciding whether or not to enter into a creative collaboration.

Don’t assume that a great friendship will mean a great creative collaboration. There are some people that I absolutely LOVE hanging out with as friends, but when I’ve tried to work with them creatively, things haven’t gone so smoothly. If you attempt to work creatively with a good buddy and things start getting bitchy, try to identify that maybe this wasn’t such a great idea, and go back to being good friends before it’s too late. In my opinion, no project is worth losing a wonderful friend over.

Don’t let people abuse your generosity! Do you have that friend or colleague who constantly asks for your time or expertise but when you ask them to return the favor they come up with a lame excuse? If you answered “yes” then it’s time to draw the line with this person. They need to go on your “SHIT LIST” (see my next point). Likewise, don’t abuse other people’s generosity! If someone does you a creative favor - like working for free on your project - return the favor at some point, sooner rather than later. I also think it’s nice to follow up with a personal thank you note, either an email or card. Some people may find this cheesy but I think it’s always nice to know you are appreciated

Make a “SHIT LIST”.  This is a list of people that you must, under no circumstances, ever allow yourself to be sucked into working with again.  Whether it be because of a bad attitude, a bad temper, abusing your generosity,  flakiness or just generally making terrible work – Put them on your list and then hopefully alarm bells will start ringing next time they want something from you and you’ll run - or you’ll make up an excuse as to why you can’t get involved.

If you’re working for free or cheap, only jump on board a project if you truly believe in the work.  This seems obvious, but I make this mistake a lot. It’s easy to get blinded by someone else's enthusiasm. Some people are very good at selling themselves. The problem is that when I commit to these projects and I don’t actually believe in them, I ALWAYS end up resenting them, and sometimes talking shit about them after the fact – which is just bad karma, and not very nice. ***SIDE NOTE*** The only times this rule shouldn’t apply is if you're just starting out in your career and really need experience OR if you are returning a favor. If someone has been nice enough to help you out in the past, you shouldn’t worry about whether or not you think they're talented. Just show up and return the favor.

When you find “your people” nurture those relationships!!! If you are lucky enough to find your creative soul mates, treat them well and don’t take them for granted. These people are SO hard to come by.

The Struggling Artist

I don’t have any children, but if I ever do, I hope to God that they don’t want to pursue a career in the entertainment industry when they grow up…. Because if I have kids I’ll want them to have the best possible chance at happiness.

Ok yeah, that was a pretty depressing way to start this post. Sorry. I’ll lighten it up in a few paragraphs. I actually hadn’t even planned to write this post. My next post was supposed to be about how I chose my film crew. But last week I had dinner with a dear friend. An actor who is struggling, and despite his best efforts to stay positive it’s getting him down. I know this feeling all too well. I think depression is something that a lot of artists go through but we don’t often talk about it because it’s kind of embarrassing to have to admit that you’re not doing so great.

But the reality is that this industry is brutal. A very small percentage of people will find long term financial success and widespread recognition for their work. Most won’t. It’s one of the only industries where no matter how hard you work, how many hours you put in, how much you train or study, you can still end up getting nowhere. I can’t think of any other industry like this, where so much of who gets ahead can come down to luck; Being at the right place at the right time, meeting a powerful person who will give you a leg up, being born with great genes and growing up to be insanely good looking. This stuff isn’t happening to most of the people struggling to “make it”. In fact, only a tiny percentage of Screen Actors Guild members make more than $5000 per year from their art. This is definitely not enough to live on. And I don’t think the odds are much better for other artists. Often we have to work menial jobs not just to survive but also to help fund our artistic endeavours. Whether it’s funding our own films or paying for headshots, acting classes, art supplies, studio time to record an album – most artists have to spend a lot more money on their craft than they actually make from doing it.

When I was 20 I could never understand how someone that wanted to be an artist could just decide to quit when they got older. Now that I’m almost 30, I can absolutely understand why. Priorities change. When I was 18 and got my first bartending job, I loved it. But now the thought of bartending til 3am on a weekend is my nightmare. When I was 20 I didn’t care if I lived in a shitty share house with 3 other girls and one bathroom. Now I care. Five years ago I wasn’t thinking about having a family any time soon. Now I'm starting to think that if I ever wanna have a kid I should probably start saving now, because kids are fucking expensive!

So why the hell am I still pursuing a career in the arts? Well, that’s a good question. Like many other artists, I just can’t help myself. I wish I could give up and find another career and be happy. But I can’t. Despite all the depression this career causes me, I know I'd probably be more depressed if I gave it up completely.

So look, it’s not like I’m some expert on the matter – I still suffer from many bouts of depression directly related to my career – but as I get a bit older I think I’ve stumbled across some ways to keep the depression at bay much better than I used to. I’m not saying these bits of advice will work for everyone but they have worked for me. Feel free to try some of these on for size if you wanna avoid being the cliché of the depressed, struggling artist:

#1 Spend Time With Regular People

If all your friends are in this crazy business it’s very easy to lose perspective and fall into the trap of thinking that the industry is all that matters. It’s not. Make sure you have good people in your life who couldn’t give a rats ass about the industry or what your IMDB starmeter is. This can be hard in LA, but do your best.

#2 Never, ever EVER Compare Yourself To Others In This Business

I used to do this all the time – sometimes I still do – but I’m getting a lot better at catching myself doing it and telling myself to stop because it’s toxic.

These days, because of social media, it’s way too easy to find out what everyone around you is doing. You can be in a great mood and scrolling through your Facebook feed when suddenly you see a status posted by one of your peers:

“My film just got into Sundance!!! #blessed”

“Just booked the lead in a network Pilot! OMG! #actorlyfe”

“Flying to Hawaii to shoot a feature for 2 months! #livingthedream”

And within seconds you can go from feeling fab to hopelessly wondering “Why the fuck are they going to Hawaii and I’m waiting tables for 8 bucks an hour?”

Who knows why? But remember, it has nothing to do with you. This sounds cheesy, but everyone has their own journey. Some people have it way easier than others and it’s not fair, but life isn’t fair. You can sit around and sulk about it and spend the rest of the day cyberstalking everyone you know on IMDB to see who’s got more going on than you have, or you can go out and do something constructive.

#3 Do Volunteer Work

When I was going through probably the worst depression of my life, not long after I permanently moved to LA in 2013, I used to drive across town to South LA once a week and do volunteer work with an organization that helps underprivelaged middle school kids learn how to read. I’m not telling you this to make myself sound like some amazing, kind hearted person – because I mostly did it for selfish reasons. It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself when your career is at a standstill, but spending time with these kids who had the bare minimum was a quick reality check. Made me realize how lucky I actually was. And it felt good to be able to help in some small way. It was the one thing I could look forward to each week during that really shitty time in my life.

#4 Go To Therapy

If you’re a struggling artist you’re probably also broke, so obviously don't go out and book an appointment with the best shrink in town who will charge you anywhere from $100 - $500 per hour. But if you are depressed you should be talking to a professional. Find a cheap one. Even in expensive cities like LA it’s possible for low income earners to find a therapist for as little as $15 an hour. If you don’t like the first therapist you try, keep looking til you find one that you like. And get on meds if you have to. I resisted getting on anti-depressants for years because I thought it would kill my creativity and I wouldn't be able to create interesting art. In fact, when I finally did get on Prozac, I created a lot more art, because I was able to get out of bed in the morning! I became much more focused and proactive. The idea that meds kill your creativity is a myth.

#5 Don’t Binge on Drugs/Alcohol

Yes, I know this is easier said than done, especially when you’re depressed. There’s nothing like putting a bandaid on some low self esteem with a nice bottle of red wine, followed by a shot of tequila, followed by a few lines of cocaine. You’ll feel GREAT while you’re on it, but the following day you’ll want to die (and sometimes you'll wanna die for the entire week). But we all know this. There’s a reason why these substances are called “depressants”, so stay away unless you’re really happy with who you are as a person when you’re sober.

#6 Be Careful of Dating

If you have a long term partner this doesn’t concern you, but if you’re single, beware of dating when you’re depressed about your career. We artists often feel like we have very little control over our careers. This can lead to feelings of desperation.... And when you have all this desperation inside you and not much to do with it, it’s verrrrry easy to transfer those feelings over to your love life. I can’t begin to tell you the amount of times I humiliated myself by being way too desperate on the dating scene the first couple of years I was in LA. Nothing good came from hunting for love when I was terribly unhappy. When potential love interests brushed me off because I was too needy, I just felt way worse. So if you’re feeling creatively unfulfilled, like there’s a big gaping hole inside you, don’t fill that hole up with dick. Just go paint a picture or take a platonic friend to a movie or work on your next screenplay/song/novel/scarf/etc.

#7 Instead of a Plan B find a Plan A-

My mother used to caution me that if I was gonna pursue a career in entertainment, I should really have a Plan B. In other words, a career to fall back on if things didn’t work out. I always dismissed this idea and told her:

“If you have a Plan B to fall back on, you’ll fall back on it. If you give yourself no other option, you’ll be forced to succeed!” 

Ahhhhh. So young, so naïve. But I do think there is something to this philosophy. You don’t necessarily need to find another “career”. You definitely won’t have time to work on your art if you enroll in Law or Medical school. But you should find a steady way to make money that you don’t hate. Let’s call it a 'Plan A-'. Be realistic and know that your chances of making full time income from your art are very slim. So what can you do to pay the bills? 

As I mentioned before, the hospitality industry wasn’t for me. But I do enjoy working with kids, so I work part time as a nanny. I also do some freelancing on the periphery of the filmmaking industry, as an assistant film publicist and I do a few film festival related gigs each year, but honestly, these industry jobs don’t pay anywhere near as much as the nannying does, and they often require lots of unpaid overtime. With nannying I can go to work, do a good job while I’m there, get paid and then go home and not worry about it. I also find it more fulfilling because I feel like I’m a positive influence on the kids lives, and I know they appreciate me way more than my industry bosses do. I’m now also looking to study part time to get some new skills, preferably in youth work or social work so that I can start branching out and exploring other employment options while I continue to make films.

It's tough, but if you can try to remember that your career is not a sprint, it's a marathon, and set yourself up for the long term, you'll be much less likely to quit!

Location, Location, Location!

As most Los Angelinos know, filming in LA can be a nightmare when it comes to getting locations. This town is very savvy to the film industry that it revolves around, so most business owners will charge you an arm and a leg to film at their joint. And the cops are on the lookout for renegade film crews. The LAPD apparently has their own department dedicated to busting film crews without permits. (Not sure if this is actually true, but still, it sounds scary).

The company in charge of permits, FilmLA, is a privately owned company and is insanely expensive (you’re looking at about $700 minimum for a basic permit) So – if you are trying to shoot on a tiny budget there is no way you are gonna be able to afford permits. So, shoot somewhere other than LA or….. FUCK PERMITS!!!

BUT you need to be clear with everyone who comes on board your crew that you are not going to use permits. There are some people who like to do things very much by the book, and it’s not cool to mislead them into thinking you are using permits if you’re not. AND you must, must, MUST make sure you have a good AD or producer or SOMEONE reliable on your crew that is looking out for everyone’s safety. And really this comes down to common sense. Don’t go doing dangerous shit in dangerous locations. The tragedy that happened on the set of Midnight Rider last year obviously could have been avoided with or without a permit. Just don’t put peoples lives in danger under any circumstances!!!!!

I had 17 locations in my film, and I didn’t get a single permit and we were fine.

Really, if you are making a microbudget film and have hardly any money, you should be thinking about locations from the moment you conceive your idea and start writing your screenplay. This was a something I did NOT do, and just figured that once I'd raised $75,000 through my successful crowd funding campaign this would be no problem. When I only raised about $9000, finding locations turned out to be the hardest part of pre-production and I had to do many re-writes of the script to cut locations.

But enough about me – back to you. What locations do YOU already have access to? Can you film in your own house or apartment without pissing off your neighbors? If you’re shooting a scene where the charatcers are screaming at each other the entire time, maybe not. But otherwise, you should be golden. Can you shoot in your friends houses? Do you have any close friends who work in bars, restaurants, nightclubs, cafés, offices, gyms, etc. that might be able to hook you up at their place of business after hours when they are closed and you won’t be annoying anyone? I’m still relatively new to LA and didn’t have any hook ups in terms of businesses (although a few of my cast and crew kindly let me film at their houses) – so when I needed to find such things as; a dive bar, a restaurant, a café and a mini golf course, what did I do??????

Here’s what I did – I went on Yelp.com and called business after business after business until I found places that I could afford. Yes, it was boring and tedious. Yes, it was discouraging at times when I was constantly told it would cost between $2000 - $6000 per day to shoot in a dive bar. But when I finally found that business owner who let me shoot in their bar for $150 per day, all that hard work was so worth it.

And this goes without saying but, BE NICE TO PEOPLE. When you talk to the owners on the phone or go in and speak to them in person, be polite and friendly and grateful. It helps.

And if you can’t find enough apartments/houses amongst your friends and family in the area that you are filming, try using AirBnB. That’s what I did for 2 of my locations and it worked out great. Just make sure you tell the host that you want to film there. Some hosts are not ok with that, but many are!

Now, if you have exterior locations….. it’s time to go ninja style. If you have little money you probably have a skeleton crew anyway, but if you’re lucky enough to have a ton of volunteers and crew working on your film for free, figure out the minimum amount that you actually need that day and then leave the rest at home. DO NOT bring a tripod and lights and a ton of equipment. Use available light and go hand held and you’ll be fine. If your sound guy/gal is able to use lav mic’s on your actors and ditch the boom, that’s even better. And then just use common sense. If you want to shoot a scene where your actors are walking down the street, don’t go to a busy street with lots of people around. Go to a quiet street, where people won’t give a shit. If you need to shoot in a park, go to one without a park ranger. And if you are unlucky enough to get stopped by someone, just try using the excuse that you are tourists shooting home movies of your vacation, and then quickly get out of there.

Here's a pic of me and my co-star Mike Gray after a successful day of filming like total sneaky ninjas down backstreets and parks in North Hollywood. See how happy we look because of all the money we saved! ;-)

And finally if you’re really struggling to get a specific location, ask yourself if the scene that it's set in can take place somewhere else. Rewrite the scene if you have to. In my film, I had a scene that required a huge mansion with a fancy pool party and a ton of upscale partygoer background actors. I soon realized there was no way I'd be able to pull that off with the money I had. So we looked at the scene and what it was about. At its core, the scene was about a girl feeling insecure about how rich and successful her new boyfriend is. We completely rewrote the scene to a conversation between them in her bedroom. And in my opinion it was a much better and more realistic scene. So, think outside the box and it might work in your favor!

How Low Can You Go?

Now that the production phase of my film is over, I’m completely and utterly broke. Which some people have told me is a huge problem because post-production is very expensive. 

Call me naïve but these words of warning don’t rattle me too much. I found a way to shoot the film for a fraction of the cost of what most people said I would need, so I know I’ll find a way to get post finished. I’ll do it the same way that I shot the movie. With every paycheck I get, I’ll keep putting as much as I can afford to into post production costs. And if I still don’t have enough, then hell, I’ll finish it myself on iMovie if I damn well have to. I’m more determined than ever. And I’ll tell you why:

One of the part time jobs that I have right now (along with freelance film PR, babysitting and dog walking) is that I am on the screening committee for a well known US film festival. I won’t say which one, just in case I’m not allowed to – but to put this blog post into context I will say that it’s considered to be a very well established and competitive festival. My job is to basically watch a ton of films that have been submitted, give them a rating out of five, write coverage on them, then pass that coverage on to my supervisor, who is one of the festival programmers.

I was stoked when I got this little job because I’m a huge movie nerd and especially love watching great little under the radar films. I was excited by the possibility of discovering some new talent and seeing what the latest generation of indie-filmmakers are up to.

Instead, what I discovered was a disappointing trend. 90% of the narrative features that are being submitted have very good production values but no effort has been put into the script and story. And I’m sorry, but in my opinion it doesn’t matter how professional a movie LOOKS – if it has nothing to say, then who gives a damn?

With the advancements to digital filmmaking technology in recent years it has become a lot cheaper to make a film now that it was in “the old days”. And when I say the old days I mean when you had to shoot on film and when the studios controlled almost everything.

These days you don’t need 20 million dollars to make a decent looking movie. You don’t even need 1 million. But you do need some money. Filmmaking definitely isn’t cheap.

Which seems to be where this trend is coming from. Currently the indie film scene is flooded with self financed films under the $1M mark, made by people who haven’t had to get through all the red tape of the studio system but have rather been able to greenlight themselves because they have some money (with some simple IMDB searching it’s easy to find out that many of these films are being made by first time directors – some who’ve never even made a short). As a result we are hearing a LOT of the same voices telling their stories. The voices of upper class and upper-middle class white people (usually men).

Then I started thinking..... well what are the chances of an aspiring director being a very talented filmmaker, having something to say AND being rich? Pretty low, right? Because most people aren’t rich.

Now, I’m not rich, I never have been rich and maybe never will be. BUT I did end up in an incredibly fortunate position that allowed me to make my film. For the year leading up to the movie I was able to keep my living costs very low. My partner Pete really helped me out by taking care of most of our household expenses, leaving me the ability to put all my earnings into the film.

But what about the aspiring filmmakers who are not in that position? Well, some would say – turn to crowdfunding. But from my experience, unless you have a lot of rich friends and family or you already have a huge following, this is more trouble than it’s worth and most campaigns fail. So how do you make your film and tell your story?

My film ended up costing about $25,000 to shoot. But knowing what I know now, I could have done it even cheaper. Over the next few blog entries I will be going in to some detail as to what I spent that money on and how I could have done it for less.

My mission for 2015 is to investigate all avenues for cutting budgets so that filmmaking can be more accessible to people who have big ideas but small wallets. 

I really want to know, just how low can you go.....?

The Cut Off Date - Literally

It’s been several months since my last blog entry. I didn’t have time to write because I was busy FILMING THE MOVIE! The whole freakin thing!

17 locations, 28 actors 16 days and a lot of hard work.

So how did it go????

I think it went well. I can’t believe it’s finally over. This sounds very cliché but I learned SO much during the process, and if I ever get to make another feature, I’ll be way more savvy.

When I look at the first video blog I posted back in May of last year, I now disagree with many of the things I said. Come to think of it - maybe I should take that video down so some other unsuspecting first time filmmaker doesn’t stumble across it and take my bad advice. Or I should at least add a pop-up annotation bubble to the video that says “DON’T LISTEN TO ME! I AM WRONG!”.

But really, who knows. Maybe that old advice would work for some people. Everyone’s experience is different. All I can tell you is what ended up working for me.

I think the most important thing to remember is that you can’t give up. If you’re serious about making your movie, then set a deadline and promise yourself you will stick to it no matter what. Many of my friends who are parents have told me; “There’s never a perfect time to have kids. You just make it work”. If you’re insane like me and care more about making films than making babies, then I think the same advice applies. There’s never going to be a perfect time to make your microbudget film. If you tell yourself to wait for the perfect time you’ll be waiting forever. So, set a deadline.

I set myself the deadline of Feb 6^th 2015. Because this is the date I get both my boobs chopped off.

WAIT – WHAT!?!?

Yes, you read that right. A bit of backstory:

Many women in my family have had breast cancer, and last year, after a lump scare of my own, I decided to get tested for the BRCA gene mutation. The tests came back positive, which means I have a VERY high chance of getting breast cancer during my lifetime. My doctors suggested a preventative double mastectomy, which will take my chances of getting breast cancer down from 87% to under 4%. So next Friday I’m getting them both chopped off.

Knowing that this surgery was looming and that I would have to have a second surgery in May for the breast reconstruction and recovery time after both surgeries, I felt I wouldn’t have the energy to shoot this film anytime soon after all that. The film had been cast, the locations had been chosen, I'd spent over a year working on the script, I'd put so much preparation into place, there was no way I was gonna let it all go and try to re-establish momentum one year later. In all honesty, the experience of trying to put the film together had been so gruelling for me, I don’t think I would have had the energy to start from the beginning again after my surgery. In my mind it was January or bust.

So I began putting everything into place within my budget of $50,000. Then, two weeks before I was due to start production, disaster struck… (Yes, AGAIN). A family member who was going to lend me $25,000 for the film no longer could. I was two weeks away from production and half of my already tiny budget was gone. I would have to humiliate myself again and call the whole cast and crew to tell them once again that the film wasn’t happening. I felt horrible. I cried on the phone to my mother, who told me not to be so hard on myself and to give myself a break. To wait til after the surgery and then see what happened. I cried to my husband who told me that I shouldn’t feel like a loser. That I was a human being and that my work didn’t define me – which was incredibly touching, but somehow didn’t make me feel much better.

Then my friend Lindsay called me about another project I'd been doing some work on. She wanted to find out what my schedule was. I told her: 

 “Well, as of an hour ago it’s completely open, because I have to cancel my movie”.

Something you should know about Lindsay before I go any further: Lindsay is hands down the most positive person I have ever met. 

She asked me what happened. I told her I just lost half my budget and was supposed to start production in two weeks.

“How much money do you have left?”, she asked.

“Under $25,000”, I replied.

Lindsay paused for a moment and then said “I think you can still do this”.

She then proceeded to give me a pep talk about how it was entirely possible for me to still make this happen. And it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Over the next couple of weeks, I slashed the budget AGAIN, by half. I’ll go in to more detail about how I did that in another entry. But we did it. I shot the whole film. And I shot it before I got my boobs chopped off.

"To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time." - Leonard Bernstein

Our last day on set January 18th 2015