Superstitions!

Another video post this week!

I'm Flawed

It's amazing how trying to make a movie can encourage personal development and self reflection.

I’m a Control Freak.

I’ve always been this way. When I was a child my sister and I would collaborate on the decoration of the Christmas Tree. We’d split the tree half and half. Until she was done and left the room,  at which point I would redecorate her half without remorse. Because why the fuck are all the angels hanging out near the bottom of her side? Get your shit together, Sis.  

Now with this movie, I’ll be collaborating with a lot of people. Another writer, three or so producers, thirty-two actors, a cinematographer, set designers, hair and make up artists, to name a few. As I proceed I must allow for their vision within my tree.

Already I’ve found myself changing my tightly controlled view of what this movie will be. Particularly through the casting process. Alice a naïve and ditzy character, has become a very savvy student of philosophy. Marcus a very earnest and proud homosexual has become a half-closeted neurotic mess. Yet somehow Roxy, the character I will be playing, remains a self-righteous slut.

In other news - I’m a Workaholic.

My workaholism also stems back from my childhood. When I was 13 year old I worked at my neighbour’s hair salon, “Hair We Are”. Which is an inaccurate pun. Because although yes ‘here we are’ - no ‘hair we aren’t’. We only cut it. Actually, I only swept it up. For 5 bucks an hour! And no, this didn’t happen in 1968. It happened in the very late 90’s. And I'd like to thank my parents for encouraging child slave labor.

I worked at “Hair We Are” religiously. Even though I hated the job, and didn’t need the money. There was just something about the idea of being so busy that made me feel good about myself. Saying to my pre-pubescent friends “Oh, I'd love to come over and play, but actually I have to contribute to society. You asshole.” I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder.

I now am a workaholic in the entertainment industry. The one industry where you can actually make a lower hourly wage than working at “Hair We Are” in the 90’s. Still I show up, if only to get the opportunity at some point to call someone an asshole.   

The Script

Every writing class I’ve ever taken, I’ve heard the advice: “Write what you know.” Having just been through a horrendous downfall, I started working on a script about a girl named ‘Sophia’ whose life falls apart as she watches her dreams die.

But that was a tad bit depressing.

So then I started writing a script based on my relationship with Tony (see the below post). Kind of like a “Tuesdays With Morrie” set on the streets of LA. But that felt cheesy and false.

After thinking it over, I realized that I didn’t wanna write some coming-of-age-feel-good story. I'd barely come out of my downfall alive, let alone come out it ‘feeling good’, or being ‘of age’.  OK maybe I was ‘of age’.

But I didn’t wanna write some devastating “Requiem for a Dream” tragedy either. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a heartbreaking ‘ass to ass’ scene as much as the next gal. But I needed a break from tragedy.

The more I thought about all the ridiculous things I'd done during my downfall, the more embarrassed I felt. There was only one genre I could turn to to deal with the shame: Romantic Comedy. After all – comedy comes from tragedy, right? And, in my unfortunate experience, romance also seems to come from tragedy.

I started thinking about when I was at my most pathetic. What stood out most was how much I had wanted to find a boyfriend during this terrible period. I was clearly in no condition to be in a relationship because I was a broke, depressive, angry, drunken mess. But I felt so alone that I thought: if I can’t control my career I’ll control my relationship status. I’ll get a serious boyfriend who will be nice to me and help me through these hard times.  

What I’d not taken into consideration was that I live in Los Angeles.

Anyone who has ever tried to date in Los Angeles will understand what I mean. And for those of you who are single and live outside of Los Angeles and are thinking “it’s hard to find a good man anywhere” – please stay a spell in Los Angeles. You’ll return home with a new appreciation for the dating scene in your home town.

So the point is – I had a LOT of bad dating stories. Funny ones, humiliating ones, sad ones. And I felt like this is something EVERYONE (except maybe members of strict religious communities) could relate to. And the show “Breaking Amish” is fast changing that separation.

So I started feverishly writing these scenarios down. I worked like a machine, day and night, glued to my laptop. At the end of a few months I had a 300 page screenplay. I showed it to a few people and was told: “Hmmm it needs some work…”

This was disappointing. To be honest with you – I didn’t enjoy the writing process at all. It was exhausting. The last thing I felt like doing was going back and trying to make all these huge changes on my own.

So I got some help. I found someone whose work I had seen and read, someone I respected and found hilarious. Someone who had tirelessly studied screenwriting, who cared about structure, who was also VERY good at writing jokes, having been a stand up comedian for 10 years.  Someone who had very similar taste to me. I found Pete Carboni!

It also helps that we happen to live together. So I could hassle him every morning and night with statements like:

-       “Please help me with my screenplay?”

-       “Instead of date night, what if we just worked on my screenplay?”

-       “I’d love to do the dishes. But this screenplay won’t write itself.”

-       “Yes I can tell you where I’ve put your car keys. Can you tell me how to resolve the third act of my screenplay?”

The harassment worked! Pete took my story and helped craft it into a much better script, with structure that worked and punch lines that were funny and scenes that turned. The script is still evolving as we bring actors in to the mix. But we have the foundations of a great movie. Women in particular have responded very positively to the script. During the audition process SO many actresses coming in to read said it really hit home to them. Which makes me happy.

Okay, let’s wrap this post up now cause it’s been a long one. For those of you still reading, the moral of the story is: Write what you know. But if you’re not a great writer - find someone who is, tell them what you know, and emotionally blackmail them into writing it.

The Origin Of This Project

The idea for this film came at the tail end of an extreme depression.

I’ll give you a bit of backstory:

Since I was a child I knew I wanted to be an actor. I studied at a performing arts high school. I got a university degree in theater. Soon after graduating I found an agent who really believed in me, I started auditioning and booking work, and for about 3 years my primary source of income came from my acting. I felt I had a good amount of momentum going.  So, in 2012 I decided to move to Los Angeles in an attempt to take my career to the next level.

I arrived with extremely high hopes, ready to take on new and exciting roles. Ready for the city to embrace me!!!

That’s not what happened.

When I got here, I found the city to be indifferent to my arrival. 

I was unable to get good representation in LA and stopped auditioning all together. I struggled to even find a minimum wage, regular job to pay the bills. I ended up alone and living in an apartment with no furniture that kinda resembled a crackhouse, in a terrible neighborhood, where after I’d find street parking at night I’d literally run from my car to the front door of my apartment complex. And occasionally shady-looking individuals would be so kind as to escort me by running right behind me.

At my lowest point I had $2.75 in my bank account and several maxed out credit cards. I was dating a drunk who often couldn’t remember my name and pretty soon I started drinking heavily myself. One night after a drunken bender I was walking the streets of Hollywood at 2:00am crying, and felt so lonely that I gave my phone number to Tony, a homeless man that I passed on Sunset Blvd. (We still keep in touch)

After about a year of utter hopelessness I was lucky enough to discover something called “10 Mg of Prozac daily”. It helped me to change my attitude. I moved out of the crackhouse, got a part time job, started eating kale, stopped dating douchebags and entered into a positive romantic relationship. Things were lookin up! I was happy.

Somewhat.

However much I’d changed my attitude, there was still a big void. I had, for so long, defined myself by my career. It had always been the source of my self-esteem. How could I possibly retrieve that feeling of pride I had in my work? Especially when you consider I live in a town where, to save my life, I’d be unable to get an audition for a re-enactment on America’s Most Wanted. How can I beat this system?

Easy. I’ll just write, direct and star in a feature film!

So I started writing a script…….

Are you now beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel??? Well, don’t get too excited, because I need to tell you something:   The script I wrote wasn’t very good.

But in the next post I’ll tell you how it got better.